In the Counselling Room with 'Wendy'

Wendy is a very real client to Cruse Scotland and, whilst her grief journey is very unique to her, she is also a very 'normal' Cruse Scotland client. 

As we spotlight Wendy’s story, in different ways across December, we know that many others will identify with what she shares because grief is very normal - even where it might look quite different, individually, for each of us. 

As I have watched Wendy’s videos… and read some of what she has shared… I could not help but consider what, as a counsellor, struck me in her story and what we might have explored and been curious around in the counselling room. I was not Wendy’s counsellor, but I have met many who are like Wendy, so I share these thoughts and reflections using 'Wendy' as the name – but with many different, uniquely similar, individual stories woven in. 

There may be parts of Wendy’s story that stuck out for you in different ways – below we look at four different aspects of Wendy’s story – feel from to dip in and out of those areas that caught your attention the most. These are:

What’s in a Walnut Whip? – things that unexpectedly pull the rug out from under your feet

Prioritising and Protecting Others – when we put others needs ahead of our own

Avoiding Grief – grief is painful and we may ourselves try to dodge the pain it brings

Suicidal thoughts – these can be a very normal part of grieving

But first, please remember help and support with grief is available throughout the festive season:

·        Cruse Scotland

o   Helpline 0808 802 6161 (10am-2pm throughout the festive period) 

o   GriefChat www.crusescotland.org.uk (9am-9pm but restricted hours on bank holidays)

·        Breathing Space 0800 83 85 87 (Weekdays 6pm-2am Weekend Friday 6pm-Monday 6am)

·        NHS24 Mental Health Hub 111 (24 hours/day)

·        Samaritans 116 123 (24 hours/day)

What’s in a Walnut Whip?

I almost cannot get past this image – the power of something which not only reminds us of the person who has died but also the traditions and rituals that were little (or big!) parts of celebrations together that will now be very different. 

These moments pack a powerful punch … and before we have been able to catch our breath we may have gone from a “they would love that” moment to the very painful realisation that we will not ever share those moments together again – at least not in the same way. 

For Wendy, it happened in the queue surrounded by other people, but equally it can happen as we spot something on a shelf, get offered something unwittingly by someone else, or perhaps at home with something already bought and wrapped. 

We likely all have some kind of 'Walnut Whip' moment, and it is, more often than not, the 'little things' that almost meant nothing at the time, but now mean everything in terms of significance and weight. In that first Christmas for Wendy she set the Walnut Whips back on the shelf as she crumbled.

Four years down the line Wendy describes how these painful moments have changed in their intensity – but still there in different ways. In time, she might buy some Walnut Whips and reestablish that tradition in a different way, perhaps have a wee moment to think of her mum as she eats it, or decide that she doesn’t actually like Walnut Whips at all but buy some anyway to give to a project that will bring someone else a little moment of a smile.

What is your 'Walnut Whip?' A moment that has unexpectedly pulled the rug from under your feet and caused you to plunge painfully into a grief moment? It might have been a something that you always bought or received at Christmas or a birthday, a food that you always shared together, a smell that reminds you of them, a song that you sung or danced together to.   

It is hard to plan for these moments as they catch us so unawares – but knowing that they happen and that they are quite normal can be helpful. You are not going mad. You have not forgotten that they died. You are not stupid for that thought to buy them something. This is all very normal as you adjust to the changes which that death has brought. Normal but painful.

In time, you may want to incorporate those things into new traditions, new rituals. That may be something quite personal to you or something that you want to share with others. Those 'Walnut Whips' now had with a Christmas morning cuppa allowing you to have a moment of quiet reflection, or popped in stockings, as a way to make those memories part of the family time.

This Christmas have a think about loved ones that you want to remember and how you might want to do that. If you want friends or family to share in that with you – talk to them about it so that it is not a surprise to them.

Prioritising and Protecting Others

Wendy shares a lot about different ways which she was doing that – or felt that she was doing that. That sense of not wanting to be a burden or downer at the New Years party; putting on a brave face and buzzing about pretending everything is normal – when everything is far from that. 

We, as a nation, are not great in talking about death, dying and bereavement – so, it is no wonder, that we try to mask our sadness and pain with some belief that this will 'protect' others in some way. 

Grief is already exhausting and the energy required to put on those masks and down play our feelings only makes it all the more exhausting. Doing that can also often reinforce our feelings of isolation where we believe that everyone else is able to function and get on as if nothing has happened where we feel a million miles away from that. In reality, it is much more likely that everyone is wearing their own masks and trying to protect each other in different ways – and no one wins in that.

It is striking when Wendy describes how all her daughter, Mia, wanted to do was “sit with me for a while and feel the feelings with me.” In wearing their masks and not sharing their feelings with each other - rather than that being a protective thing it was actually something that put distance between them. Taking off those masks with each other has been transformative in their relationship.

This Christmas and New Year have a think about what 'masks' you are feeling that you need to put on for the sake of prioritising or protecting others. What would you need in order to not feel the need to put on those 'masks?'

This might be some practical things. What invites do you need to say no to as this year that is simply something that you don’t need (or want!) to do? What invites do you want to say yes to... but need the ability to change your mind … even at the last minute? 

Other things may be anticipating that there will likely be painful emotions that come up. As Wendy says “the grief and pain is expected rather than a surprise”. Can you find ways to talk about this with those around you – “I don’t know how I am going to be – I want to come, but fear that it might all be too much." Sometimes it can even be helpful to have thought of some responses in advance for when emotions do spring up – if we use Wendy as an example it could be something like that “I’m just imagining dad with his rosy cheeks and glass of whisky. I miss him tonight and it’s hard.”

Avoiding grief

Wendy describes noticing that she was; “staying busy,” “working more than I would like to admit,” “taking on lots of jobs and doing things for friends and family,” “no time to myself,” “days full from morning to night,” and how this was a coping mechanism lasted for two years – until it no longer did.

This is a very common experience.

When working with grief we may describe grief being like a pendulum or swing – that, when healthy, there will be a smooth and rhythmic oscillation (or swing) between things that we might consider to be 'loss focussed' and other things that we might consider to be 'restoration or rebuilding focussed.'  

What Wendy describes is that, for her, the oscillation was far from being smooth… in fact there was no oscillation – she was firmly in one side of that pendulum swing never visiting loss… even avoiding it at all costs. Eventually she reached a point where the energy required to stay in that place snapped, or broke, in some way and she was flung very painfully to the loss side of that pendulum swing in a less than healthy way. 

Part of the work in the counselling room would be to help begin to find a more healthy rhythm to that pendulum swing. Wendy describes aspects of this very well – making  space to explore her grief; recognising how she was running away from pain; being able to explore things without fear of other people’s opinions; finding ways to set healthy boundaries; learning how to prioritise self-care. All this helped her get out of a “really, really dark place” … she found a way to a much healthier pendulum swing where she could both visit loss and rebuilding her new normal more gently.

As this Christmas and New Year approaches take a little time to give yourself some space to consider how your grief pendulum swing is just now. Does it feel quite smooth and fluid or does it feel quite disrupted and clunky in some way? It would be quite normal for Christmas and New Year to interfere with that oscillation in some way – even where it might normally be smooth and fluid. What might help to restore, or maintain, that pendulum swing into a smoother rhythm? For Wendy it really helped to speak to someone – please do seek out some support where you feel it is difficult to reset an equilibrium.

Suicidal thoughts

Suicidal thoughts can be quite a normal part of grief when someone significant to us has died. Where deaths are sudden, unexpected and traumatic these suicidal thoughts can be much more present. Sometimes those suicidal thoughts can be from a place of longing and yearning to be with the person who has died; for others it is that life feels so meaningless and not worth living without them; or as Wendy describes “my life and my head was just so busy” where everything will have felt overwhelming.

Wendy describes how “four family members died that year, including my mum and dad who died just ten weeks apart” – with that number of deaths within the family in such a short amount of time… and with impact and restrictions which Covid would have brought… it would be no surprise that suicidal thoughts would have been present for Wendy in some way – especially after two years of suppressing her grief.

Wendy describes that she was in a “really, really dark place” and that she was planning to take her own life. Although normal, suicidal thoughts can be quite frightening for the person themselves, and also for friends, family and colleagues if shared with them. It is important to not ignore, dismiss or overlook the suicidal thoughts that a bereaved person may be having – knowing that to be quite a normal thing in grief. 

When offering bereavement support, we are always mindful that our client may be experiencing suicidal thoughts and expect to hear about some really, really dark places. It would, therefore, not be unusual to hear us ask more about that – we may ask something like “on a difficult day, where does that dark place take your thoughts?” and “have things been so difficult that you are thinking of suicide?” We know that these direct questions are healthy and helpful to ask and can often bring relief to someone who is wrestling these difficult thoughts.

As you approach this Christmas and New Year if you recognise that you are in your own really dark places and suicidal thoughts are present – know that there is help out there – please reach out as best you can. 

Considering Bereavement support may be one aspect of that and there are also crisis Mental Health services available through your GP and NHS24 Mental Health Hub. Listening support is also available through Breathing Space and Samaritans. You may find it helpful to make a safety plan which you can share with others – Every Life Matters and Samaritans. 

To read Wendy's blog or watch her video, or for general tips on supporting yourself, other adults and children this Christmas, or if you are in a position to make a donation to enable us to support more people like Wendy, visit the Christmas section of our website.