Tips for coping with grief and anxiety at Christmas

What’s the best way to cope when we are grieving and feel so at odds with the general mood of joy at Christmas? Here are some suggestions to help you or others who are bereaved, to cope.

1. Plan ahead

First, there’s no single rule to fit everyone, no specific right and wrong. Grief and our reactions to it are individual. Most important is to put your own needs first, and do what seems right for you and your family, knowing you’re all doing your best in the circumstances. With close family it’s a good idea to discuss what’s possible in advance, especially with children.

If you feel you ought to or want to celebrate and keep up your traditions, go ahead, but don’t put too much pressure on yourself. If you want to avoid all reminders of Christmas that’s fine too.

If children are involved, though, speak about it – creative thinking might be needed to reach suitable compromises in advance. Perhaps start a new tradition to remember your loved one. Don’t be surprised if young people have some outbursts on the day – it’s ok to share that you too feel sad, and comfort each other.

2. Allow yourself to feel happy or to grieve

If you are with other people, allow yourself to join in celebrations if you feel like it – it’s not forbidden to feel happy. Or if you are sad, have a quiet moment’s chat with someone understanding if you feel the need. It’s also a good idea to simply encourage people to share memories and celebrate your loved one rather than making an unnatural effort to avoid all mention of them. Have some quiet activities ready for children, who normally tend to dip in and out of their grief. Just check in with yourself, as to what you can cope with – if you’re invited to join other people, you can tell them in advance you might just come for a short time.

3. Try to give the day some structure

Especially if you’re alone, so you are not sinking in a mass of chaotic feelings which can become overwhelming. Perhaps go for a walk, or join in with part of the day with friends and family, call someone or watch a favourite programme, nothing too demanding  – you will find your own ideas.

4. Giving Support to someone bereaved at Christmas.

If you are uncertain how to give support at Christmas to someone who is bereaved, basically be guided by them, as to what they want and feel they can manage. Be flexible with plans, so it’s not an issue if they have to cancel or change arrangements, and let them know you’re there if they want to talk, without insisting.

It’s also a good time at or around Christmas, to make contact with anyone bereaved who you think might be alone, just to say you’re thinking of them and there if they need you. A definite offer might just be especially welcome.

For those of you who are in a position to celebrate Christmas, remember the golden rule at this time of year: keep Christmas manageable, and do what feels right for you.

Adapted from an earlier blog by Graham Stevenson - thank you.

Please remember our free bereavement services and resources are available all year round and are here to provide reassurance and support.