Book Review: David Kessler's 'Finding Meaning' workbook

Title: Finding Meaning, the sixth stage of grief – a workbook (2024)
Author: David Kessler

This workbook is intended as a companion to the author’s previous Finding Meaning book. It features reflective exercises which progress from initial identification of feelings through to finding a way to live alongside grief in a positive way. The author, David Kessler, is an American expert on grief and loss and has written several books including two with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. 

Broadly, the themes covered in the book mirror those grief workers are familiar with and which we support clients through at Cruse: identifying the different emotions (guilt, anger etc.), recognising the phases of grief from numbness to acceptance and developing a way of living which can be constructive while still honouring the person who has died.

The workbook format, where each theme is followed by an exercise for the reader to reflect and write down their observations, is a helpful way to guide the reader to take time to fully think about what they are feeling, and to record it in an honest, non-judged way. We know that the very act of committing thoughts to paper can help to process them:  If the reader engages with the workbook it offers a kind of guided self-help therapy with space and support to look at the emotions and challenges surrounding the grief and help the reader towards reframing the death into an experience which is manageable and constructive.

Straight off, Kessler helps dismantle unhelpful feelings of ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ around our grief, but instead offers a ‘feelings wheel’ to help identify and name what we are feeling now (angry, scared, lonely etc.).

The style is compassionate, non-judgmental and reassuring. Kessler encourages the reader through exercises which gently seek out different ways of looking at the bereavement, and at grief triggers, to find the positive. The exercises show that there are different lenses through which to see the death, and to tell the story in a way which focuses on the positive aspects. By using his own examples, this feels manageable, not prescriptive or trite.

The book is not at all ‘preachy’ or overly upbeat. It includes space to list all the things you regret not having because of the death (the missed future together). He tackles the common feelings of guilt but explains, with compelling reasoning, that we were powerless to prevent the death from happening (“not answering the phone… doesn’t cause death, but advanced addiction does”). There are several pages devoted to reframing guilt: one exercise turns the ‘what ifs’ into more realistic statements that the death would have occurred regardless of our own actions e.g.“If I had not hung up, they wouldn’t have died” becomes “Even if you had talked for longer, they would still have died”.

Kessler invites us to use feelings of guilt or ‘what ifs’ as motivation to change the future rather than the past, e.g. guilt about not spending enough time with your loved one before they died could now be put to good use to value friendships and prioritise your time with good friends. Kessler even invites us to put our name to a contract (a ‘living amends’ contract) whereby we commit to honouring the loss of our loved one by making amends in our future and giving us a chance to correct what we wish we had done before.

By channelling the energy of our negative feelings about grief, the workbook seeks to turn this strength into a force for good, however small, in our future. This also gives the reader a sense of  power, an antidote to the helplessness of grief and feelings of passivity.

The pace and tone of the book are gentle and manageable. Knowing that the author has suffered his own losses and uses examples from his own life when demonstrating the exercises gives validity to the work and makes us feel that our own answers, whatever they are, are acceptable.

I found the book an easy read, well-paced and reassuring. It could be a helpful tool either to dip in and out of or to work through systematically. The value of seeing your own written responses is that we are learning how to be our own guide and have evidence of our ability to change our thinking patterns.

While the book works effectively for those we grieve ‘normally’ (whose love and company we miss) it does not address how to grieve those we have ambivalent or even bitter feelings towards. This complexity probably warrants a separate book altogether, given its complexity.

In summary, I think this is a useful companion to grief and has a good balance of allowing space for raw feelings of distress whilst carefully moving from these towards self-compassion and a sense of acceptance. I would have found it a helpful tool to have after a loss.   

Lucy Colquhoun
November 2024

David Kessler's Sixth Stage of Grief Workbook was released in October 2024 can be found at most major online book retailers (RRP £14.99).