Catherine's story: "I was surviving. Now I'm finally living."

When Catherine speaks about her daughter Ellie, it is not only the pain of her death that lingers, but the extraordinary bond they shared.

Ellie was the first person to show Catherine unconditional love after a childhood where love had never felt certain.

For 19 years, Catherine has carried the weight of that loss. Now, she is telling her story—not only of grief, but of survival.

 

"She was my best friend. It was us against the world."

 

To understand what Ellie meant to Catherine, you have to understand where her story began.

 

"To describe Ellie, you have to talk a wee bit about my childhood," Catherine says. "I grew up in a household where I never knew what love was."

 

When Catherine became pregnant, doctors believed her baby might not survive. At eight months pregnant, she was offered a termination after scans suggested Ellie was not life-compatible.

 

"I refused the termination, and I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy," she says.

 

Ellie arrived safely.

 

"She fought so hard to be born, and she was the happiest, most kind-hearted wee girl."

 

Doctors warned that Ellie might never walk or talk. They believed she had glaucoma. Later, they discovered she had hydrocephalus and needed emergency surgery to fit a shunt. Yet repeatedly, Ellie defied expectations.

 

"Ellie walked, she talked... she absolutely thrived."

 

For Catherine, Ellie became so much more than her daughter.

 

"She was my best friend. It was us against the world. It was car journeys with her sunglasses and music playing. We were a team."

 

She pauses before describing what that relationship meant.

 

"It's the first time I'd ever known what love was. It felt like unconditional love. Love that did not have to be earned. Love that was just because I was her mum."

 

Just two days before Ellie died, she had attended a routine scan.

 

"They said it was looking brilliant. I took her home. We bought ice creams in the sun. We then went for a drive to a beach in Arran, where we sat. She wrote her name on the stones.

 

"It was a perfect day."

 

 

Everything changed

That night, everything changed.

 

Ellie woke complaining of a sore head. Catherine recognised the symptoms and took her to hospital, worried that her shunt had become blocked.

 

"I explained she had the shunt. I was worried."

 

She says she was told she was overreacting and was sent home.

 

The following morning, Ellie's condition deteriorated rapidly. She was transferred between hospitals before eventually reaching Yorkhill.

 

As they walked into resuscitation together, Catherine remembers speaking to her daughter.

 

"I said, 'Ellie, you know mummy loves you, don't you?' And she said, 'I know, mummy.'

 

"They were her last words."

 

Doctors initially reassured Catherine that the blocked shunt was "a straightforward operation" and that Ellie "was going to be absolutely fine."

 

Instead, she was called into theatre as the medical team tried to save her daughter's life.

 

"They have to show the parent them resuscitating your child before they can call time of death. It was just horrific."

 

Losing Ellie changed everything.

 

"I'd not only lost my wee girl. I had lost the first person that had ever shown me love. The first girl that had ever made me feel good in a role."

 

 

Completely surviving

After Ellie died, Catherine struggled to imagine how she could continue.

 

"I didn't want to live. I did not want to be here. I couldn't imagine a life without her."

 

Soon afterwards, she discovered she was pregnant with her son, Ryan.

 

"He saved me. If I hadn't been pregnant with him, I 100% don't think I would be here today."

 

Even so, grief stayed with her.

 

"I wasn't living. I was completely surviving."

 

With encouragement from a health visitor, Catherine began taking small steps forward. She enrolled on a college course, gained qualifications, and eventually completed a nursing degree with distinction.

 

Looking back now, she can see just how far she has come.

 

"For the first time in my life now, I feel like I'm living.

 

"I feel like my whole life since Ellie died, I've been surviving. You don't really live; you tick the boxes."

 

Writing her memoir meant revisiting painful memories, but Catherine hopes sharing her experience will help others feel less alone.

 

"I just want people to know they're not alone.

 

"I want to show somebody that the worst thing to happen in your life doesn't always have to define you. You can still have a life. You can still keep going."

 

She does not believe grief is something you ever leave behind.

 

"Grief lives with you. You cannot pack it away. It is beside me in every decision, every achievement. You just learn how to cope with it."

 

19 years after Ellie's death, Catherine still carries her daughter with her every day.

 

"I think I've shown my children what Ellie showed me, which is determination.

 

"And no matter what happens, there is a way forward."

 

For anyone in the early days of bereavement, her message is gentle but clear.

 

"Your grief journey is unique to you. There is no timeline. There is no set way to grieve.

 

"It's okay to talk. It is okay to feel.

 

"Just please reach out."

 

And she wants bereaved people to hold on to hope.

 

"I hope it gives them comfort and belief that they can go on to have a life where they're living and not just surviving."

 

You can purchase the book via Amazon by clicking here. All funds raised will go to  the bereavement suite of University Hospital in Wishaw.