When Father's Day Is Complicated: Grieving a Complex Relationship

If your father has died and you had a complex relationship with him, approaching Father’s Day can feel like navigating unfamiliar, difficult terrain. 

When the relationship wasn’t society’s picture of closeness and warmth - and there is no opportunity for change - it can bring its own kind of heartbreak - one that doesn’t always make sense. 

You might be wondering how to cope, how to mark the day, or simply how to be kind to yourself through it. That wondering is completely understandable.

Perhaps there were difficulties in the relationship, such as distance and hurt from mistreatment. And now alongside that, there may be a sense of unfinished business or questions that can no longer be answered.

Whatever the shape of your experience, you are allowed to hold it in all its complexity. There are no “right” or “wrongs” in how you feel.

Here are some suggestions to help you care for yourself during this time.

Acknowledge your feelings

You have permission to feel whatever you are feeling. Your emotions are valid — even when they don’t fit neatly into what people expect grief to look like.

It’s okay to grieve - not only your father’s death – but also the relationship you wished you had, the conversations that never happened, the father you hoped for, or the past you cannot change. It’s equally okay to grieve the loss of any future chance of resolution.

Uncomfortable feelings — anger, confusion, relief — can exist alongside sadness or even warmer memories.  They don’t cancel each other out. You can hold both.

Offer yourself the same kindness you’d give a friend

Grieving someone you had a complicated relationship with can feel especially isolating. You might question your feelings or wonder if they are “allowed.”

Try to speak to yourself the way you would speak to a close friend in the same situation — with gentleness, honesty and without judgement. You are no less deserving of that care or compassion towards yourself because of how your relationship looked.

Try journaling

If your feelings feel too tangled to say aloud, writing can be a helpful way to explore them. 

You might write about what you longed for, what you experienced, and what feels unfinished now that he has died. There are no rules — just your own honest words on the page.

Journaling can also be a meaningful way to begin making sense of how that relationship — and the loss of it — may still be shaping you in other relationships.

Reach out for support

You don’t have to carry this alone. Connecting with others who understand your experience — in a support group, online community, or through a helpline — can offer real comfort. Being heard matters.

Remember, you can call the Cruse Scotland freephone Helpline on 0808 802 6161, where our specially trained volunteers listen, provide information and reassurance, and guide clients towards further support from Cruse Scotland and other organisations.

Even amidst the complexity and pain, moments of peace can be possible. With the right support and self-compassion, Father's Day can become a day where you can acknowledge your experience honestly – alongside with the complexities that the relationship held – and offer yourself the care you deserve.