Elaine

I contacted Cruse Scotland’s Helpline because my son died suddenly in May. He was a single parent and raised his son at age 40. His son just turned 18 and lived together. We assumed they were in perfect health.

My grandson went to visit his mum for the night. When he came back the next day, he thought his dad was just sleeping on the sofa. But his dad had a massive heart attack and died in his sleep.

So, it was very unexpected. Shocking. He tried to resuscitate him and everything. He phoned his mum, and then he phoned me. However, he had long gone; there was nothing they could do.

It was just very traumatic, but at the time, my friend of 45 years was in palliative care for cancer, and I was going to see her as she had no family here.

So, every day I was going to see her, and it was difficult, but it gave me a purpose. I had no choice but to see this lady. I was in the hospital the next day and every day, and then she died the following month.

When grief hit me

We took my grandson initially to live with us. He did eventually move to be with his mum when he started university.

But initially, I was coping well. It was just pure adrenaline, I think. I've also been a counsellor for eight years and was working at the time.

I was a support worker, but the day they found my son, I just stopped working, retired early because I just thought I can't cope with other people's problems when my family need me.

So, it was traumatic obviously, at the time, but I coped amazingly. My husband went to bits. I arranged a funeral, I did everything. People couldn't believe how well I was coping, and I just thought I was lucky.

I am a strong woman, I have been through a lot of stuff, and I just thought, you know, I am grateful that I am getting the strength to get on with my life.

Then it all just hit me. I felt overwhelmed, just felt I could not cope. It was unexpected because a bit of time had passed.

I have experienced grief before; I lost my brother, who was my best friend, five years ago. I had lost my mum, and we have had a lot of deaths in the family. But it is different when it is your child. He was 48, but he was my boy.

It absolutely shook me, and the grief running about me. It affected everybody, and of course, I am the fixer in the family.

And I was busy fixing everybody else and trying to keep everybody else going. I never really thought about myself at all, just thought that I was dealing with it as best as I could, but the day that I contacted your lady, it just all hit me.

I went to my bed, and I just could not get back up again. I was in my bed for two days, and I did not know how I would function again, to be honest.

That is why I reached out to Cruse Scotland. I had nothing left felt absolutely burnt out.

The lady from Cruse Scotland chatted to me for an hour, and after that, I felt so much better. She was very reassuring, very kind and made me feel so much better.

Cruse Scotland’s Helpline Helped Process My Grief

I am not a stranger to grief. I have lost so many people in my family, but this was the most painful experience of my whole life because it was my son.

Also, because of the circumstances, he was a sole parent, and his boy was his world and the fact that it was his son who found him.

So, you have that to process. I still had to continue, I had my friend and neighbour to deal with, and she died within a month, and her estate to deal with.

I did not even consider myself, and the lady at Cruse Scotland helped me realise that I was neglecting myself.

I was not a consideration, and I was junk eating, I was not drinking, I was out of control, to be honest. There was no self-care whatsoever. because I just did not matter.

But she helped me to understand that if I did not take care of myself, everybody else is dependent on me, but then that all depends on me being well enough, to cope with myself and to process things.

So that was helpful. She could not have been nicer, and she made a lot of sense.