Stephen

Can you tell us why you contacted Cruse Scotland?

After my father passed away, I tried to cope as best I could for two years. Looking back, I probably missed some signs that I was struggling because I hadn't experienced the loss of a close loved one like this before.

Especially with someone like my father. So, I've had grandparents that passed away, when I was younger, but going through it as an adult was a little bit different.

I think while I was trying to support my mum, probably quite a lot through it, because she really struggled with it. So, I think I was trying to be strong for her and not trying to show weakness, as they would call it.

However, more memories and feelings were coming up that were still locked in my head, and I wasn’t sure how to process them.

You could speak to your family as much as you wanted, but I needed to speak to someone without being a burden on my family. So, I reached out to Cruse Scotland.

What was your experience of Cruse Scotland’s Counselling service and how do you feel it helped you?

The first experience was very good. My counsellor was excellent in terms of asking questions about myself and listening to what I said.

I was able to express myself to her, which was good. I did six sessions, and they were helpful. It wasn't the only thing I was doing to support my mental health, but it was a useful tool. We also discussed different coping mechanisms to use during this time.

Probably going through the first experience, then made it a bit easier to reach out straight away when, unfortunately, my mother passed away last year, and I was like, well, I know how to use the service, and I know it's there if need be.

And again, the second experience was excellent in that I had five sessions with one of the volunteers, but I think her background was working in psychology.

So, we went into a bit more in-depth this time. So, a lot of me getting things off my chest. I remember seeing images and pictures in my head and just putting them out to her. And it made me feel better.

The best bit was doing more around coping mechanisms, preparing for tough times, as in remembering at Christmas, how it's going to feel and having an action plan.

This was something that I really thought was beneficial and helped me. It made me feel a lot happier than I'd been just with the feelings and the kind of numbness of losing your mother.

In what ways do you feel that the counselling service helped with your grief?

Probably the big thing would be seeing triggers. So, what potentially would trigger me and talking that through with the bereavement councillors at the time.

Why might it trigger me? Is there stress? Is there a certain thing? And that was probably the big thing was seeing triggers and then not pushing them to the side but embracing them, and then finding what's the fix?

So, it might be writing down stuff in a journal. We did an emotion wheel, which is quite light. So, it was just working on all the emotions that I might be experiencing and going into them in more depth, rather than just being sad or happy.

It was really in-depth and made me a lot more self-aware.

The key bit was getting some of the images and some of the challenges because it was quite a challenge in more of the caring part than the actual death itself.

The caring part and a lot of images and probably found it difficult to go back into the home that my mum had lived in, or if I did go back and you're seeing things, whereas allowing me to express myself, whether it be through conversation, whether it be through this emotional wheel, has definitely made it a lot easier for me to process it.

What would you want people to understand about grief that you feel isn't often talked about?

Probably the biggest thing, and this is why I've had conversations with other people who are going through grief was everyone's different.

Every single person, the way they grieve. My mum always used to say, I've not cried. I was like, well, I might cry, might not be the time, or there might be a moment that tears do come, but almost like try to force something, well, no.

You feel sad, you're angry, you're frustrated, but I would say the big thing is everyone is different, and they should be allowed to process it the way they need to process it or get the support and help.

That might not be speaking to someone in a room, it might be going for a coffee with friends, etc, whatever they feel, but very much it's individual, case by case.